I hate cowards

It's really demoralizing looking for work. I know that I have a job... but it sucks. Ass. & who really wants to suck ass for 40 hrs a week?

I'm looking for work, when thousands of other people are looking for work, because my employers are toxic. Is that selfish? It's an apocalyptic wasteland out there for jobs, & I'm thinking of leaving one because the staff are abusive? Because my feelings are hurt? I said I hate cowards, mostly in reference to my supervisors, & the bitch who can't seem to say anything to my face.. the one who is allergic to work & ethics. But maybe I'm the coward for not wanting to stick it out & make them face what an offensive work environment that has been created.

Am I ready to become a martyr for my workplace?

beauty & swimming

I swim 3-4 days a week, & while at the pool Sunday morning, I was changing next to this woman who looked at me & said w/out hesitation that the birthmark on my left thigh was beautiful.

For 26 years I have been stared at, asked questions & even given disgusted looks because of this thing that no one really knows how to explain. I've been told that it is a port-wine stain, though I've only ever seen those on people's faces. The texture is nothing like that of a stain, though I suppose it is a vascular thing. After looking around online, I can compare it to a hemangioma, though mine is a great deal more purple in places, & covers the space of a handspan. Maybe if I were feeling braver, I'd post a pic of my leg, but despite what the woman said, I'm still not there.

Yesterday, I was practically glowing from what she said. "That is absolutely beautiful. I've never seen anything like that... the textures & colors. That is simply amazing." I couldn't believe what I was hearing, having just had to tell a kid at the pool that I wasn't dying or anything. (She'd pointed at it & gasped & told her mother to look.) Anyway, I responded w/ thank you, that no one had ever said anything like that. She then apologized a bit for being so forward, that she is just in an artistic frame of mind lately, but that she couldn't help it; it was beautiful.

It's funny, really. I feel like maybe I've been waiting my whole life to meet her, for that brief moment, to have a part of my body validated in a way that was not remotely sexual.

I'd had a moment last Thursday where I recognized that the peaceful feeling I had was a combination of comfort & confidence. I was at the pool, sharing a lane w/ a guy that, as it turns out, I went to high school w/. I hadn't seen him in 10 years, & it took me a bit to place him. Usually, in a situation like that, I would be feeling so self-conscious, but as I completed lap after lap, passed him & had him pass me, I couldn't help but feel beautiful. Which is a big deal for me. I never feel that. I never feel confident in my body. & while that was in no way related to appearance, I knew that the way I moved through the water was perfect. I guess this is as close to a spiritual feeling that I get.

americana

weekend adventure

I'm getting my things together for my Seattle/beach weekend trip. Sucks that I work late today & that my flight is so early tomorrow, but at least I won't be driving. ::guh:: kill me if I ever have to drive I-90 to Seattle alone ever again. Amazing road trip it is not.

Anyway, it's Jess' birthday tomorrow (& Jenn's), & we're camping in the Ocean Shores area. Love that place! I haven't been to that area since my surfing accident last summer, so it's clearly high time I get over a few things while I'm out there.

Things have been tense at work, what w/ me freaking out over potentially being fired. Seems that the supervisors don't really care what happens on shift (??), & that the three-strikes rule is just an arbitrary statement that HR makes to freak out employees. Bugger that. I was in such hysterics, that I almost wish they came down w/ the hammer. Obviously, not really, but this week has been so... I can't even explain it. I just really need the ocean & good friends.

Been thinking a lot about friends. I guess since I had the psych review for the Peace Corps med packet. She asked if I had any friends in town from high school. Uh, no. I haven't been here in like eight years. Why would I still have friends from then? I have college & work friends. The look she gave me was maybe a little sad, but I don't think she realized that I'm not a recent HS grad. When I told her that I graduated college five years ago, she was a little surprised.

I've digressed, & I don't even remember what point I was trying to make. I guess I'm just all over the place today, & need this time away more than I'd realized. I get to Seatac around 830, & Brant is picking me up. We'll have brunch & then Jess will come round to get me & head out to the beach. (If I close my eyes & breathe deep, I can almost smell the salt.)

happy anticipation

The world of technology & instant communications is still so amazing to me. I've been reading blogs from current Peace Corps Volunteers (PCVers) who've just reached Georgia & are in their first three months of training.

It's good to hear different perspectives, & to have an impression of what it might be like for me when I finally get there in a year. I constantly laugh, come close to tears & tuck little tips away in my brain for when my time comes to pack in frantic excitement, then wait, be shoved on a plane & finally come face to face w/ a culture I'm sure I can't even imagine. The heartbreak that is expressed from the residents in toasts to peace & lost loved ones makes me ache w/ the desire to get out of here.

I hope that their blogs can continue once they get to their permanent villages. The three months of training are so different from what their lives will really be like once the PC pretty much drops you at your post & says "see yas."

Sometimes the hope that I have for being so close to this goal makes my body hurt. It makes my time here seem wasteful, & I feel guilty for the things I take for granted. In a weird way, this year before I go might be worse than my 27 months of service. I know that this experience will change my life, but I feel that if it doesn't happen soon, I might burst.

peace corps nomination!

I've been nominated for a Peace Corps post! The position is part of a Community Development program that has a youth development focus. It is slated to leave in late September (2010) to the Eastern Europe/Caucasus region.

Where is Caucasus, you ask? Go here to find out the regional low-down.

tickets!

I bought my ticket to New Zealand the other day! I'm soooo excited, I'm not sure I can wait 6 months to go. I leave 24 January-9 February. I think I picked a really great time to go, as that is the height of my winter depression here in the Pacific Northwest, & work actually signed off on 18 days of vacation. YES.

So, I called Jenn, my bestie-almost-sister who lives in Wellington, & we started making itinerary plans already. She's thinking that she & her husband, Gavin, will drive up to Auckland to meet my plane, & that we'll camp around on the northern coast for a few days before driving back down to her town. I think that's amazing! She also recommended that I start composing a list of top things I can't leave NZ w/out doing, & things that I'd like to do, if we have time. So, here is a rough mix of ideas that I've thrown together:

+ swimming w/ the dolphins off Kiakoura Pinsula (South Island)
+ shoreline walk & seeing the seals (off Kiakoura)
+ 90 mile beach (from Ahipara to Scott Point, North Island)
+ rugby game
+ sea kayaking
+ Dunedin distillery (waaay South Island)
+ Hobbiton
+ whale watching (though I hear it's better to go after April)
+ Te Papa Tongrewa (Wellington museum)
+ WETA
+ cave rafting the Waitomo caves
+ parasailing
+ skydiving
+ geothermal day spa
+ Tongariro crossing (volcanic walk)
+ Auckland Maritime Musem
+ Tall ships tour!

I know that's a lot of stuff already, but I'm just throwing things out there, not taking into consideration price. They're will be plenty of time to stress about that later.

The good thing is that a few of the super-typical things to do in NZ, I've already done when I was there 13 years ago. (Kiwi farm, Aggrodome, Rotorua, Maori marae experience--though I'd do that again.) I just feel so lucky that I have the opportunity to go again. Maybe it's bragging, but I've been able to see some pretty amazing things in some amazing countries, & to be able to go back to one of my favourites & see it from another perspective is worth so much to me.

August horoscope:

"A former lover will probably be writing to you, either by snail or e-mail. Their purpose is not to try and get your back, but rather to announce some good news of their own. Be supportive."

Oh, dear god. There is no way that I can be supportive of him. Well, maybe I can, & that's the real problem. Three years later, & I still cry when I hear certain songs. He's the reason I bear ridiculous hatred toward Florida. How terrified is a person when they say "you should move to Florida, too," but not have to balls to say "move w/ me." The lame part is, I think I would have.

salute to the fishies

Salute teaser. More pics to be found here. When I get the others off my phone, I'll post them, as well as videos.

fish update

While cleaning the tank & my little guy's bodies, I found a survivor: Horatio. My little eel that could, apparently. Thank whomever for evolution! He's got a partial lung, & I think that's what saved him from the fate of the others'. It seems that if he wanted to, Horatio could climb out of the tank & crawl around, provided he was kept moist. Anyway, the little fellow made it, & I cried so hard for both joy & sadness. He was one of the first fishies I came home w/ four years ago when I first moved into my downtown Olympia apartment. I had him & Kellen, a bala shark, from when they were one inch babies. They grew up together over these years & stretched all the way to one foot each.

This is a pic of them when they outgrew the 10 gallon, & I bought them the 55, so they'd have room to grow:



I think they were only a little over 3 inches at the time, but already they were swimming so fast!

Anyway, I got the tank all cleaned, the rocks bleached, the filters rinsed w/ vinegar to remove all the hard water stains. I dragged the tank out on the front lawn & hosed it all out. I wiped it down, hoisted it back on the stand & started filling it all over again. Horatio was kickin it in a bucket inside, waiting. I let the tank run for a day, put the bioenzymes in, water conditioner, stress coat, aquarium salt. To be honest, I rushed things getting him back in there. I know that when you set up a new tank, you're supposed to let it run for 2 weeks before adding fish, but I couldn't just let Horatio sit there for weeks alone in a dark laundry bucket. So we floated him & set him loose in the big tank when I got home from work. & he could tell that he was still all alone. He didn't even want to swim around. He just lay on the bottom, breathing through his gills & staring out the side of the tank.

I sat there for about a half an hour just watching him. I cried now & then, saying how sorry I was for what happened to his buddies, for Kellen. (Those two came home from the store together.) Then I pulled up some videos I took of the tank gang on my phone & held it up so Horatio could see. & then he swam closer. He watched his old friends & himself swimming around on the video. & I started to cry again.

So here's to all that were lost: Kellen, Cyrus, Puck, Huck, Maximus, & Boris. Goodbye again to all the others that have gone before. I still miss every single one of them: Vladimir; Patrick Swayze; Jasper; Jacques; Booker; Mellen; Shadaim (aka, Lt Dan); Fred, George & Ginny Weasley; Mr Anderson, Calvissimo, & Katsumoto. (I'm sorry that Horatio ate some of you.)

all my fish died this morning.

I might be boldly going.. somewhere

Waiting to hear back from my recruiter for the Peace Corps... She said my interview went well & that they liked me. ::woo:: Anyway, I have to wait another 2-3 weeks for post placement possibilities. ::is so excited::keeping fingers crossed for Eastern Europe::

this makes me sick

This makes me so upset. I cannot communicate how ill, repulsed & irate this makes me. I can't imagine how anyone can justify something like this.

Fox News gets okay to misinform public, court ruling | Media Reform | CeaseSPIN.org

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ships ahoy!

I am so lame. For my birthday last year, my folks got me tickets to the Tall Ships Festival in Tacoma, but it's taken me 11 months to get my album finished! I only completed it yesterday... so in the spirit of that, I'll link you all to some of the photos that I posted on my facebook, too. I can't believe it's taken me almost a friggin year.

Here's a teaser of the epic adventure:

random awesomeness

Did you know that the stinging box jellyfish is the most deadly animal on the planet? It's venom is so strong, that it can kill a person in three minutes. Also, jellyfish have been around for over 500 million years. They found a fossil in Utah dating jellies 205 million years older than previously thought.

& I have discovered the wonder of the History Chanel, in hi-def. MonsterQuest, anyone? Life After People? The mind boggles.

the sea 101

I have no idea why I've started this blog.. I already have one at LiveJournal, but I guess since I'm pretty protective about that one, no one else really gets a chance to snoop on me the way I do my friends. So this blog is for them. I'll cross-post between the two, & hopefully make this one a little more highbrow then the other (which is sometimes all about fan squealing & nerdiness, I won't lie).

stormie mcrainsalot

Dude, it rained so hard today. It was amazing! Thunderstorms rolled into town one after another all evening long. I laid down on the floor by the back door & stared out into the darkness, waiting for the floor to shake one more time, to feel my chest rumble w/ the voice of nature. I must have looked like a silly little girl, laying there on my stomach, feet up in the air & grinning like a fool. There's just something about the way lightening shocks my body into amazement that I love. The feeling deep in your body, before you hear it, of the coming thunder. It's all so violent, & so beautiful. I love the contradiction of nature.

phone interviews & pains in the ass

I had my phone interview for the Peace Corps today. I think it went pretty well. I'm trying not to think about it too much, since past experience has taught me that the more confident I feel about something, the harder I tanked it. (& vica versa.)

Anyway, Melissa--my recruiter--& I talked about general interview stuff, & then moved on to things like "how do you feel changing your personal appearance to align more closely w/ a different culture?" & then came the language training questions. Good thing I love languages. I think that might be one of the things I'm looking forward to the most: learning a new language. She also asked questions about whether I'm a vegetarian (no), & would I feel comfortable eating different cuisines. Now, I know she has to ask these questions, but basically, if it's not American, I'm down w/ it. I'll pretty much try anything once. What the hell is the point of experiencing new things if you're gonna crap all over the way someone else does them?

So, other than that, things have been slow. My surgery, which I promised I would talk a little more about goes something like this: pilonidal disease. It sucks, alot. It's not life-threatening, but a major pain in the ass, literally, if you're like me & have to deal w/ a chronic acute abscess. Basically, it's a cyst that becomes infected. That's not the troubling part. It's the location that sucks. It's tucked down at the base of your spine. Yeah. So I've had surgery on my ass three times now, w/ an incision of 4-5 inches each time. The real issue is w/ healing & giving the area the proper wound care. All of these things are debated by different surgeons, all of whom are arrogant bastards who I cannot wait to have no further dealings w/.

Well, to wrap this up (cause sitting in this chair is really not possible for me): my stitches itch, they look ugly, I feel ugly, my ass hurts, my hips hurt & I'm pretty bored. I'd take a pain pill, but I haven't even eaten yet today. I guess that's something can do next...

surgeries & pain meds

So, I've been feeling a little sorry for myself tonight... I got to take the bandage off & take a shower, finally. Anyway, I took a close look at the stitches & the incision, & I started to cry. I know it's not a huge deal, & that the crap I'm dealing w/ isn't life-threatening, but I'm still tired of it. Five years & three surgeries is enough for me. (I'll post more later about what the hell I'm talking about.)

But here's what happened tonight. Sara called from work, because a client of ours has been asking about me all day. So, Laura gets on the phone & is asking me when I'll be back at work & how I'm doing. It was really nice to hear that someone gave a shit about how I was... & then came the kicker at the end. She said, "you no more hurt, okay?" I guess all it takes is for a 40-year old woman w/ cerebral palsy & a mental age of about eight to put things in perspective.

family makes me crazy

It's one of those hopeful days, continuing on from the scheduling of my PC interview yesterday. Thank god, because the irritation that I left California w/ has been driving me batty. Here's the lowdown:

Went to SoCal for my grandmother's surprise 80th birthday party. That part was great. Sara Spink came down from LA for the party, & we later hit the beach in Oceanside. I haven't been down there since my grandfather died four years ago, so I was happy to take the time off from work for the occasion. The thing that nearly killed me, however, was my aunt.

Shit. I love my family, mostly because I'm supposed to, I guess, but this was a big stretch for me. Imagine the worst micro-manager you have ever known, & there's somewhat of what my aunt is. The most nausating part of her intense need to be up in everyone's shit is that she has two teenage sons, 14 & 17. They have to call & check in w/ her every two hours or so. The younger one, he isn't allowed to dish out his own dinner. She freaking spoons it out for him, & practically feeds it to him herself.

Whatever, if you want to treat your kids like infants, I guess that's your business, but don't get all mommy on my 26 year old ass. I never fucking lived w/ you, I never went to you for mommy advice, & I never want you questioning me about where I'm going, what I'll be doing & how long I'll be doing it for in front of all my adult family. Everyone just stood there, uncomfortable, looking to me like I was absolutely out of my mind for responding, "I don't know, & I don't answer to you. I'll be back later."

Anyway, end of rant. There were numerous other examples of her being crazy, like my washing my laundry w/ towels, supervising how much detergent I put into the load, etc. For fuck's sake! I didn't live on my own, study abroad or travel to Australia at 13 or anything. God.

But all that's passed, because I am having surgery on Friday, my interview is on Tuesday, & hopefully I'll be an example to her kids that you can do whatever the fuck you want when you grow up. All you gotta do is get away from her.

peace corps!

I know it's been a few weeks since last posted.. family trips to SoCal & the like.. BUT I just scheduled my Peace Corps interview for the 16th! That's next week already! WHAT UP. It sounds like I qualify for maybe three different programs! Take that, world. I am effing awesome.

zombies are scary

YIKES!

Some creepy-ass dude followed me across the street from the duplexes (where the ladies live) to our office across the street. It's dark & cold & scary outside... & then this dude comes out of the friggin shadows, making zombie sounds!! (I think he was totally on something.) I practically ran across the street & locked the door right away. I was actually expecting him to be outside, waiting for me to come back out. It was not cool!

But hey. I guess that's what happens when you work in a neighborhood called Felony Flats, right?

First thing for tomorrow?

1) putting my baseball bat in the car
2) buying a can of mace for my work keys &
3) finding a fucking huge maglite to either bash their brains in with, or else see my assailant's face

what is going on in my brain

So, maybe it was the fever making my brain think crazy-ass shit. Maybe I'm just that crazy anyway... but regardless, I had a *weird* dream last night.


(Oh yea: this is one of those dreams that is based on real, planned events.)

I was getting ready for Brant's wedding. I'm a groomsgirl, but I'm supposed to be wearing one of the bridesmaids dresses, but when I'm putting on this dress, I realize that just above my heart, there is a wire sticking out of my chest. It's been pulled out maybe 3-4 inches, but I don't notice any pain. Thinking how bad this will look in the pictures & ceremony, I pull it out. It just keeps coming & coming out of my chest until it's over a foot long. I folded it up as best as I could, & tucked it away somewhere. Somehow, I forget about this freaky-weird wire & go about prewedding craziness, running around here & there, finishing up whatever the bride & groom need. Pictures are being taken, the ceremony is about to start. That's when I notice that my hair isn't done, so I run into this bathroom to try to fix it as best as I could when I see there's another wire coming out of the same hole in my chest. Now, I don't know exactly how long I'm in the bathroom trying to figure out what to do about this wire, but I finally come out & the wedding is over. I missed the whole thing. Then I wake up.

I guess my question is this: what the hell? F-list, please help me figure out what this could mean!

Some facts that might be helpful--

1) Brant & I have been friends for 8 years
2) there has been romantic tention on & off again for at least 6 of those years
3) his fiance hates & is threatened by me
4) when he told me that he was getting married, I almost forgot to say congratulations, I was so surprised
5) I would do anything for Brant

There it is, all layed out for yas. Any thoughts? HELP!


EDIT: on the 29th, I got a facebook friend request from Brandy (the fiance)... in the little comment section, she goes, "let's be friends." uuhhh...? okay? I clicked accept, duh, but I feel a little weird about it.

the response

I completely understand where you are coming from; Isaac and I have both been there. Write-ups are written by the HR director (Andrea) based on a template and the details of a situation are inserted where appropriate.

We think that you are a valuable addition to PCL, I don't want you to think otherwise at all. We will bring up your concerns regarding the language with Andrea.

If you have any other comments or concerns please don't hesitate to talk to either one of us.

Thanks!

Kathleen


Yeah, that's nice. Too bad I still feel like shit, regardless if you've been there or not, Kathleen! Oh, & I talked to my father today, who is home from work... seems he had a blowout at the hospital yesterday, too. I guess shit was just in the air. Fuuuuuuck that.

stupid wankers!

So, I was hauled down to HQ today to discuss a med error that happened last month. Long story short, there were three staff on shift, & a client didn't receive their dinner meds b/c of our non-communications. Also, that was the day that I already wanted to leave, not one hour onto shift. SO! The result? I was written up & had to sign a document today that said I had acted unprofessionally by having made a mistake. Really? I say fuck that. & this is what I emailed to my supervisors this afternoon:

While I can appreciate that a write-up is necessary for any medication error, I have to say that I take exception to the language of the document. Keeping a record of errors is completely understandable. However, when it comes to making staff feel the way I felt this afternoon, I point to the language.

"Unprofessional conduct" is a term that I would have thought saved for offences like stealing from clients, inappropriate relationships, etc; not for an accident. How can an accident be deemed unprofessional? The letter gives me the impression that this is a company that allows little room for growth for its employees.

The definition of accident: an undesirable or unfortunate happening that occurs unintentionally.

I would argue that unprofessional acts are, by and large, intentional, if not acts of ignorance. I simply do not understand that an accident, borne of miscommunication, is unprofessional. I am horribly offended by that, and I hope that the language of future documents may be re-examined.

ha! that's it?

So, I'm working on my Peace Corps application this morning, & this is what I came across for my essay topics:

1)Cross-cultural Experience

Peace Corps Volunteers must be open to ideas and cultures different from their own and may need to modify their appearance or behavior appropriately. Give an example (between 250-500 words) of a significant experience that illustrates your ability to adapt in an unfamiliar environment. Please highlight the skills you used and the perspectives you gained. You may draw from experiences in your work, school, or community in the U.S. or abroad. Please list the date(s) of your experience.

2)Motivation Statement

Peace Corps service presents major physical, emotional, and intellectual challenges. You have provided information on how you qualify for Peace Corps service elsewhere in the application. In the space below, please provide a statement (between 250-500 words) that includes:

1) Your reasons for wanting to serve as a Peace Corps Volunteer; and
2) How these reasons are related to your past experiences and life goals.


I laugh in the face of such short essays! The hard part will be condensing all I have to say to 250-500 words. I tend to be longwinded sometimes. Verbose, one might say. But that totally made my day. I'm taking the prompts w/ me to work today so I can rhuminate on them, & I'll try to knock one out each morning before work. (I'm leaving the work experience section for last. Why do they always make you type everything up individually, AND upload a resume, where you have the exact same information? *rolls eyes*)

much ado about nothing

So I've been freaking out this week, trying to imagine my father's reaction to the news that I'm going to apply to the Peace Corps. & honestly, it was almost a let-down. He was so okay w/ it, that it's unnerving. He asked questions, I answered. Mom started crying. He asked more questions, I answered. The jist? He thinks it's a good & noble cause, & that's pretty much it. *is blown away*

I can't even tell you what kind of a relief this is. I thought that he'd be mad that I'm still not ready to go to graduate school, but as it turns out, he just laughed & said, "well, Mom & Dad wanted me to go to school & I didn't. So..." & then he raised his eyebrows, kind of like *well, that's what happens... kids follow in your footsteps.* I feel so warm & happy that I have their support. Gah. Now I'm crying, too. The simple fact that I have a chance at the kind of life I want, not just the kind of work I want... it's too much for me. In this bleak winter that's sucking the soul out of me... I needed this hope so badly. & now I have it.

ponder this:

Peace Corps.

an unsettling thought

I just finished reading Confessions of a Pagan Nun last night, & when I came to the end, I couldn't believe how strongly I felt about it. Here are a few passages that have stuck w/ me:

"I have learned many things since I came to Brigit's chapel & read the letters & scriptures of the saints. I will give here the sum of the facts I have seen concerning the transformation in this land since Christians have come here, in case they not be recorded by another hand:

-1st, improvements in tools & methods used for husbandry
-2nd, increase in varieties & hardiness of plants & domestic animals
-3rd, decrease in violence between tuaths & in the taking of hostages
-4th, increase in literacy & knowledge of the world
-5th, increase in the distance between the rick & the poor, the latter increasing in numbers while the former increase in wealth
-6th, decrease in the influence & freedom of women, whose councils exist no longer & whose property has been diminished
-7th, increase in cruelty to the land & disregard for its power & beauty"

It hurts me to think that the world's slow decline to what we now have is, in my opinion, a disregard for its power & beauty.

"Surely a wise leader would see the benefits of marrying old wisdom to new devices, of scorning intolerance & dogma while embracing the new heroes & rituals, which have such pretty sounds & good influence. I would live in a world full of Christ-like humans, but not one full of Christians, may God forgive me."

"Whoever reads this, do not be told what to do to receive grace. You know in your heart..."

"I long for the times when a man's head was severed because another man wanted what he had. Here is a direct motive. I had thought that the love of Christ would make us kinder & less likely to smash skulls. But now I see that we will be asked to smash skulls for Christ."

Those passages stick with me, as does this final thought. The main character of this story, Gwynneve, was a pagan that lied about being baptized to enter the chapel to have a peaceful life of reading & transcribing. She was eventually condemmed as a witch & thrown down a water well. Here is something that haunts me: I am also a pagan, & I work for Catholic Charities. I have also worked for the YMCA, & though it shouldn't shock me to think about it, I was also condemmed there (for having depression), & forced to quit. It's an unpleasant thread to follow. I hope things don't repeat themselves.

something weird is going on

... I'm interested in politics? Quoi! Non, non! Je ne comprends pas. Oh, but it's true:

"The price of lowered expectations is heightened anxiety," so sayeth Jonathan Alter of Newsweek. & that's goddamned right. Why did Americans willingly settle for someone who had to trick the public into liking him? "After the excruciatingly close 2000 election, President Bush pretended that he had won a big mandate. This was understandable politically, but artificial. The cocky Texas affect was a cover for deep familial insecurity, but it worked until Americans ran into trouble."

*sigh* Are we a natation of "too little, too late," when it comes to realizing just what we've done? Who in their right mind thinks that there is nothing wrong w/ buying a half-million dollar home on a $40k annual sallary? I'm just as confused as Alter is in his article. WTF, America? WTF. As much as it sucks admiting it, I had to suck it up when I was laid off from work. No job meant no income, & what do you do then? You move in w/ family; you take the help that's offered. That's right. As independant as I am, as I've always been, I finally agreed to accepting help. What does it matter if a republican or a democrat is offering it? YOU TAKE IT WHEN YOU NEED IT! As my grandfather always said, you smile & say thank you.

Here's what I'm saying thank you for:

-Obama is urging lawmakers to reduce emmissions of greenhouse gases. He's calling for $15b a year in federal spending to spur development of envionronmentally friendly energy sources. (It's about time someone other than Al Gore worked on this problem.)
-Making education important. Obama is asking every American to commit to completing a year or more of higher education or career training. (How can we expect the world to look up to "Mighty America" if we are a nation of dumbasses who can't pass a test to graduate? If we drop out when things get too hard? If we can't see the value in understanding things from another's prospective, in learning about our immediate environment & how our decisions impact the world?)
-Healthcare. Hello? As someone who's been w/out medical insurance for over two years, that's an important issue. How can a person have hope for the future if they have nothing to protect them from illness? Your life if your future! Protect that first.
-Getting the fuck out of Iraq. That, almost intirely, would cut federal spending by $500b. & republicans say that dems overspend. How can YOU justify a $1.3 TRILLION deficit? Hmm?

Okay. I guess that 's enough for a first post of the day. But really? America, you should be ashamed at what we've become. I haven't been exactly proud to be an American for quite some time. Maybe that can finally change. I don't like living in a place where I am embarassed & have to make excuses to the world. I mean, I even struggle to admit that I was born on the Fourth of July. How's that for irony?

meh..

... there are other posts at my LiveJournal, but I'm too lazy to repost them here. I think all the above posts are enough to give everyone the gist of where my brain is this year. Best of luck understanding me! (I'm crazy, you know.)