I swim 3-4 days a week, & while at the pool Sunday morning, I was changing next to this woman who looked at me & said w/out hesitation that the birthmark on my left thigh was beautiful.
For 26 years I have been stared at, asked questions & even given disgusted looks because of this thing that no one really knows how to explain. I've been told that it is a port-wine stain, though I've only ever seen those on people's faces. The texture is nothing like that of a stain, though I suppose it is a vascular thing. After looking around online, I can compare it to a hemangioma, though mine is a great deal more purple in places, & covers the space of a handspan. Maybe if I were feeling braver, I'd post a pic of my leg, but despite what the woman said, I'm still not there.
Yesterday, I was practically glowing from what she said. "That is absolutely beautiful. I've never seen anything like that... the textures & colors. That is simply amazing." I couldn't believe what I was hearing, having just had to tell a kid at the pool that I wasn't dying or anything. (She'd pointed at it & gasped & told her mother to look.) Anyway, I responded w/ thank you, that no one had ever said anything like that. She then apologized a bit for being so forward, that she is just in an artistic frame of mind lately, but that she couldn't help it; it was beautiful.
It's funny, really. I feel like maybe I've been waiting my whole life to meet her, for that brief moment, to have a part of my body validated in a way that was not remotely sexual.
I'd had a moment last Thursday where I recognized that the peaceful feeling I had was a combination of comfort & confidence. I was at the pool, sharing a lane w/ a guy that, as it turns out, I went to high school w/. I hadn't seen him in 10 years, & it took me a bit to place him. Usually, in a situation like that, I would be feeling so self-conscious, but as I completed lap after lap, passed him & had him pass me, I couldn't help but feel beautiful. Which is a big deal for me. I never feel that. I never feel confident in my body. & while that was in no way related to appearance, I knew that the way I moved through the water was perfect. I guess this is as close to a spiritual feeling that I get.
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Well, if by chance you end up in Georgia, I might annoy you by asking to see the birthmark. Haha!
ReplyDeletethat whole experience was so weird. I can't even explain how it made me feel. for a moment, it almost erased all those negative feelings I've been holding on to for years.
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