I swim 3-4 days a week, & while at the pool Sunday morning, I was changing next to this woman who looked at me & said w/out hesitation that the birthmark on my left thigh was beautiful.
For 26 years I have been stared at, asked questions & even given disgusted looks because of this thing that no one really knows how to explain. I've been told that it is a port-wine stain, though I've only ever seen those on people's faces. The texture is nothing like that of a stain, though I suppose it is a vascular thing. After looking around online, I can compare it to a hemangioma, though mine is a great deal more purple in places, & covers the space of a handspan. Maybe if I were feeling braver, I'd post a pic of my leg, but despite what the woman said, I'm still not there.
Yesterday, I was practically glowing from what she said. "That is absolutely beautiful. I've never seen anything like that... the textures & colors. That is simply amazing." I couldn't believe what I was hearing, having just had to tell a kid at the pool that I wasn't dying or anything. (She'd pointed at it & gasped & told her mother to look.) Anyway, I responded w/ thank you, that no one had ever said anything like that. She then apologized a bit for being so forward, that she is just in an artistic frame of mind lately, but that she couldn't help it; it was beautiful.
It's funny, really. I feel like maybe I've been waiting my whole life to meet her, for that brief moment, to have a part of my body validated in a way that was not remotely sexual.
I'd had a moment last Thursday where I recognized that the peaceful feeling I had was a combination of comfort & confidence. I was at the pool, sharing a lane w/ a guy that, as it turns out, I went to high school w/. I hadn't seen him in 10 years, & it took me a bit to place him. Usually, in a situation like that, I would be feeling so self-conscious, but as I completed lap after lap, passed him & had him pass me, I couldn't help but feel beautiful. Which is a big deal for me. I never feel that. I never feel confident in my body. & while that was in no way related to appearance, I knew that the way I moved through the water was perfect. I guess this is as close to a spiritual feeling that I get.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Saturday, September 5, 2009
weekend adventure
I'm getting my things together for my Seattle/beach weekend trip. Sucks that I work late today & that my flight is so early tomorrow, but at least I won't be driving. ::guh:: kill me if I ever have to drive I-90 to Seattle alone ever again. Amazing road trip it is not.
Anyway, it's Jess' birthday tomorrow (& Jenn's), & we're camping in the Ocean Shores area. Love that place! I haven't been to that area since my surfing accident last summer, so it's clearly high time I get over a few things while I'm out there.
Things have been tense at work, what w/ me freaking out over potentially being fired. Seems that the supervisors don't really care what happens on shift (??), & that the three-strikes rule is just an arbitrary statement that HR makes to freak out employees. Bugger that. I was in such hysterics, that I almost wish they came down w/ the hammer. Obviously, not really, but this week has been so... I can't even explain it. I just really need the ocean & good friends.
Been thinking a lot about friends. I guess since I had the psych review for the Peace Corps med packet. She asked if I had any friends in town from high school. Uh, no. I haven't been here in like eight years. Why would I still have friends from then? I have college & work friends. The look she gave me was maybe a little sad, but I don't think she realized that I'm not a recent HS grad. When I told her that I graduated college five years ago, she was a little surprised.
I've digressed, & I don't even remember what point I was trying to make. I guess I'm just all over the place today, & need this time away more than I'd realized. I get to Seatac around 830, & Brant is picking me up. We'll have brunch & then Jess will come round to get me & head out to the beach. (If I close my eyes & breathe deep, I can almost smell the salt.)
Anyway, it's Jess' birthday tomorrow (& Jenn's), & we're camping in the Ocean Shores area. Love that place! I haven't been to that area since my surfing accident last summer, so it's clearly high time I get over a few things while I'm out there.
Things have been tense at work, what w/ me freaking out over potentially being fired. Seems that the supervisors don't really care what happens on shift (??), & that the three-strikes rule is just an arbitrary statement that HR makes to freak out employees. Bugger that. I was in such hysterics, that I almost wish they came down w/ the hammer. Obviously, not really, but this week has been so... I can't even explain it. I just really need the ocean & good friends.
Been thinking a lot about friends. I guess since I had the psych review for the Peace Corps med packet. She asked if I had any friends in town from high school. Uh, no. I haven't been here in like eight years. Why would I still have friends from then? I have college & work friends. The look she gave me was maybe a little sad, but I don't think she realized that I'm not a recent HS grad. When I told her that I graduated college five years ago, she was a little surprised.
I've digressed, & I don't even remember what point I was trying to make. I guess I'm just all over the place today, & need this time away more than I'd realized. I get to Seatac around 830, & Brant is picking me up. We'll have brunch & then Jess will come round to get me & head out to the beach. (If I close my eyes & breathe deep, I can almost smell the salt.)
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